March 8 2019

Feeling so alone is the absolute worst. Not that I haven’t felt it my whole life. I still try to get up every day, or at least think about a day that I will. Nobody really gets me, that’s okay Too. I just carry a lot of guilt from things I never did, for being a person I never was. Gaslighting my childhood and now apparantly I’m an adult. But 😦 I still wish I had a daddy. It’s pretty pathetic how much I wish it sometimes. The word doesn’t even mean the same to me as it does in omniscient reality, but to me it’s just having my daddy hold me. The heartbreak and embarrassment always comes remembering people who said they were my daddy. But then still wanting my daddy, that confuses me sometimes but I’ve learned to keep that picture as an empty black silhouette, despite the pictures of the daddies that have never truly been, deep down I knew I guess. I dont deserve that because I’m an adult.. but I’ll just hate myself for being so pathetic. Better than to accept that no daddy is ever coming , to save me. But I wish.